im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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