You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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