i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she smelled like a LAN party
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
it's not cheating when I paid for it
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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