dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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