i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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