So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Semen is not good for contacts.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
