There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
