can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize