Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
