So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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