btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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