I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
