Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
