Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
