I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
