My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
