So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
