New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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