I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
