Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
