no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
