The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize