I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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