Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm passing your future prison.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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