I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
