she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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