Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
