First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
