Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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