every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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