I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize