i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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