im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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