I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize