I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
