I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
