"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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