I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
