Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
