new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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