she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
