I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize