i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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