Don't you send me to vm
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize