i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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