I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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