I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
