i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize