To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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