I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
organizing the empties. That sober.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
