Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
