I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
