It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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