having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
