so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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