Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
