i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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