moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
