my phone needs a breathalizer
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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