Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
