I looked at my own cervix.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
