why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
