I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
