If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
