3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
