You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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