Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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