Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
