Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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