Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
